Imagine lounging in perfect weather where 200 feet of TV projector screens stretch across a driving range setting featuring a sea of sofas and unusually soft pillows. There’s great music and great food. Nachos. Crispy rock shrimp. Buffalo wings with sauce, lots of sauce for every palate. Drinks are flowing. Video games. Beanbag shuffle board. The TopGolf Cabana is basically a buffet of wholesome fun.
As a mom, I'm delighted that my crew is all in one place, a cheerful person is serving food, there's an entire smorgasbord for people watching, and the pillow I'm reclined on seems to be vibrating.
Then it starts; teenage conversation:
I am bored.
I want to go.
How much longer?
Can I just go?
No, I want to play.
You, Shut up.
It is day three of relaxing for me so my zero to unglued response is delayed. I think, “Just breathe.”
In two, three, four...hold two, three, four...out two, three, four...hold two, three, four. Repeat.
Mooooom...I want to go! I'm tired!
Mom, she always get her way! Mom!
I convince myself to breathe more and stay in the moment. Pleasure. Think: Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Joy. Pleasure. Come on JOY! You got this. You can do it. Pleeeeeeaassureeeee.Then channeling my inner Einstein goddess (yes, you can be Einstein and a goddess) I get up, and straddle my husband. I give him a sweet kiss. He is obviously pleased, and bewildered.
In my quiet-but they-can-still-hear-me voice, I look deeply into his eyes and I say the most terrifying thing any teenager can imagine,"How about every time our beautiful children start complaining, I give you a lap dance?"
Not another word was whined. Bean bag shuffle board suddenly looked very appealing to them.
No public lap dances were rendered and all enjoyed the rest of the evening.And that, embarrassing mothers of planet earth, is how it's done. The whole world gets blessed. The kids avoided awkward public humiliation. I got back the relaxation I craved. And the hubby was happy because the only thing better than an actual lap dance for a man is the possibility that it could happen.
By the way, for all my Christian Moms, Jesus loves me this I know and endorses sexy problem solving.
Pleasure on, Brave Moms.
In your corner,
and by your side,
with love from one brazen mother to another,
Warning: This is for seriously frustrated mothers willing to deliver whatever it takes to find pleasure and peace. You can subscribe for Lap Dancing tips and other secrets here.